Signs

My last post, about my faith or lack of, was a difficult one to release. To admit to the world that I had a cold heart towards my God.  I do not hate Him, nor do I blame Him for the deaths of my babies. I have not stepped away completely. His fire in my heart is still there, but I am disappointed. I believed and trusted in the promise HE left us in His Word. I feel cheated and let down. I need to find a way to trust Him again. But I am not ready to take that first step yet. I do know that God knows my heart and the suffering I am struggling with. He knows I am not perfect. I am a just a mom, deeply mourning the presence of two lives in mine and doing so with a severely broken heart.  

The day I “blogged” about this, was part of two bad days I was having. If you've lost a child then you know what those days are. I was sad and angry and non-functioning and broken, but most of all empty.

I wrote the post in the evening. After school with the kids, dinner was over and everyone was off doing there own things and settling down for the night. I broke down and cried uncontrollably with each word I typed. It was very difficult to relive those moments, especially with Emma crying for Grace.  I was numb and again angry at God and missing Grace, but greatly missing the person and presence she would have in my life today.

Shortly after her death, I went to the Bible Book Store. I was looking for something, something comforting, maybe a book about how to deal with this grief.  I found an Angel Wind Chime and bought in Grace’s memory.  I hung it inside the house in front of my patio slider doors. Each time the breeze came through, or someone walked by them the chimes would make beautiful sounds. I always think of Grace with the little sounds from the chimes. They are Grace’s chimes.

It was late and time for bed. Emma came running in with arms up after brushing her teeth. I had just turned the computer off and scooped Miss Emma up. I carried her into the dining room to turn the last light off in the house. As the house turned completely dark, something glowing appeared near the patio door that I’ve never seen before. I stood staring at it and within moments realized that the wings on Grace’s chimes were glowing. Yes, like glow-in-the-dark paint. I stood staring at them, absorbing these perfect set of glowing wings in the middle of the darkness. Emma saw them too, and said “mommy, I didn’t know those glowed”.  I felt a rush of electricity flow through the core of my spirit. I walked up to the chimes and just stared at them glowing. I knew. I knew this was something. Something far beyond here, something spiritual was reaching out to me through an object that was very dear to me.

I have had these wind chimes for three years. I have stood in my dining room to shut the last light off for three years. I have never seen those wings glow before. I didn’t even know they had the ability to glow. One could say it was coincidence. But I know what I felt, and nothing worldly could create that stir in my spirit that I experienced when I saw it.

Is it God? Is He reaching out to me? Confirming His presence and love for me. Maybe it was Grace, letting me know in her sweet little way that she and her big brother Christian are ok.

With much love, Valerie