Ok.... It is due time. Fifteen years is long enough. I need to vent. I have held on to these feelings for far too long. For the sake of not upsetting "his" family... I've kept these extreme feelings of anger, resentment and major disappointment tucked away. So as part of new steps I am taking for my new life and to start to heal and release this bottled up anger, here goes....
When I went in to labor with Christian, every single person, family and friend to us, knew he would die shortly after birth.
Who showed up to witness his birth and hold him during his death and even hold his cold body after death? MY family. MY mom, MY sister and MY father. They dropped everything and ran to the hospital knowing his life would be short and the window to meet him, hold his sweet body, see his sweet face, look into his beautiful and piercing eyes, kiss his sweet cheeks, and to touch his sweet hair would be once in his lifetime. The window was short. Christian was a GRANDchild, a brother, a nephew, a cousin and my son. He was here, he did live and he impacted my life, and those who held him, in an incredible way. You could not help but to fall deeply in love with this sweet baby boy with very curious eyes.
Almost as deeply painful as losing him is the fact that Andy's family made no attempt whatsoever to meet their new family member, grandchild, nephew, cousin. NOT ONE of them made any attempt to come to the hospital to see his birth and death. Keep in mind, it was only about a 15 minute drive and CHRISTIAN WAS ALIVE AND ALERT FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS!
When we so painfully left my beautiful son in the hospital morgue.... and had to go home empty handed, we told all of his family that they could go down to the hospital and still have a chance to hold him, cold or not, and to meet him before he was transferred to the funeral home. He would be there several more days. The only response given was "No way, I can't handle that".
REALLY!!!!???? And it wasn't hard for us??? WE were blessed with the gift to see and hold this sweet angel alive before he left this earth. HE WAS NOT STILLBORN, HE LIVED. YOU MISSED OUT!!! Every single one of you. And to be honest.... you had NO FRICKEN right to grieve his death because you didn't take the time and walked away from the only opportunity to be of part of his life.
I am NOT done. This will be continued... because years later, we lost our daughter, baby Grace.
So from the bottom of my heart. I thank my mother and my sister for being there every second of my son's life. And to my daddy in Heaven. Thank you for being there for Christian's birthday, for holding him and for being there for ME. I know you are holding both of my angels now.
Valerie~
PS: This post is not intended to disrespect or to hurt those involved. However, I was extremely hurt by your actions, and quite frankly, so was Andy.... he just never wanted to "cause waves". In order for me to release these feelings I've carried towards you for such a long time and be able to free my spirit, ... I need to voice them. I feel sorry for you, it truly is your loss.
