humbled

The fundraiser is over and went really well. I have walked away from this experience deeply touched with the amount of compassion I have seen and witnessed in others. The phone calls I received from people responding from my advertisements in the newspapers who wanted to help in any way they could was overwhelming, my phone never stopped ringing. Some offered households of stuff and others just a few things. Some called just to let me know that they were praying for Morgan. Bottom line, the hearts of God's people were reaching out to this family.

We were still receiving donations on the day of the sale. One man approached me and asked if I come out to the parking lot with him. I followed him to his truck. In the back he had a brand new wheelchair from Scooters America. It was purchased for his father, who died 3 days after receiving it. They paid over $5,000 for it, and he wanted us to sell it and have the money go to the family. I was knocked off my feet.

Our local Grocery Stores, Garden Center, Donut House and Pizza Hut donated prizes for the raffle. Our Lions Club, Gun Club and Cowboy Church also donated money. Pony rides were being offered and even Schwans came and offered their ice cream.

My friends donated their trucks and time loading and unloading all this stuff and offered their garages to store everything in.

The next day, my husband took the garbage/carboard to the dump. The employee asked him what he was dumping. He told him it was all leftovers from a fundraiser for the little girl in Rathdrum just diagnosed with Leukemia. Employee says, "oh my"... reaches in to his pocket and handed Andy everything he had.

I am amazed at how this all came together and know God was in complete control, working through His people. I am so humbled to have been part of His work. God is good.

This little one was sooo adorable. She found herself a cart, sunglasses and started shopping... :)

Compassion

Through grief, comes compassion for others. True compassion and understanding of specific circumstances.

There is a little girl in my neighborhood who has recently been diagnosed with Leukemia. She is 7 years old, my daughter Emma's age. When I read her story in our little town's newspaper, I instantly understood and felt the fear the mother is going through. Not only from hearing the news that my babies would die shortly after birth due to Potter's, but also from the experience with my 14 year old son also suffering from a rare liver disease.

He became very ill last year. At first we thought it was the stomach flu, but after finding him the next morning doubled over in pain, not able to stand up, we later found that it would become something far worst. The month that it took several doctors many, many blood tests, ultrsounds, mri's, extremely scary "could be's", one of them being Leukemia, the list goes on and on of the diseases I heard, was very difficult.

Finally after that month and being transferred to a specialist and undergoing a liver biopsy we finally had a diagnosis.

This past year has been a difficult one, for him and the family. He was on high dosages of med's to suppress his immune system so that his liver could heal. He also had his blood drawn every two weeks. Can you imagine having to go in and have them jab that needle in the center of your arm every two weeks for a whole year? He is a strong child and never once complained about a thing.
Today, with medicine that he will take for the rest of his life, his liver functions normally. We are thankful for today's technology, doctor's knowledge and medicine. 

Little Morgan Haskell, diagnosed with Leukemia was put upon my heart. I felt so much compassion for her mother and her family. I knew exactly what they were going through for I have walked in those steps far too many times. I wanted and needed to do something for them. I wanted to somehow cushion if even in the slightest bit, those steps.

Morgan, 7 years old, diagnosed with Leukemia

I decided to do a fundraiser/rummage sale on May 14th. I've been collecting garage/estate sale leftovers and made flyers that I've posted around town asking for donations. I've contacted local business and asked for contributions towards this effort in providing money towards their medical expenses.

It's not only about giving them money. But showing them that SO MANY people CARE about the suffering they are walking through right now.

It makes me feel good to do this for them. Something positive has to come from my losses and grief. From grief comes compassion for others, the compassion of truly understanding what another is going through and providing love, understanding and support in any way possible.

My choice to live my life again

I wrote this blog in an attempt to capture the moments and experiences I went through in losing my children. I was also trying to release some of my pain and yes, alot of anger.

Going back through those moments and writing down every detail I could remember, made me vividly relive each of those moments and cry again the same tears I cried then. I did share my memories... but it also put me in a very depressed state, and for days on end, like I was going through it all over again.

I've realized so much about who I am today, where I am today and when I lost myself. I've had to step away from my blog and take a break from the sadness and memories and bring myself back to the life I have now and the kids waiting for me to be mom again.

I need to be happy again. I need to live again. I want to laugh and garden and enjoy flowers and sunshine but most of all... the four beautiful and perfect children that are here with me now. I want to enjoy being me again.

I am making an attempt to take a step away from the grief. By no means does that imply that I am forgetting Christian or baby Grace or that I am over their losses. That, for a parent who has lost a child, is never possible. I will forever be saddened and will always miss and ache for them.

I have taken a step off of the broken and depressed path, and instead will walk parallel on the one that God provides, with His love, comfort and promises that I'll hold my babies again and will never ever again have to say good bye.  My babies are safe and in a place that holds no danger or sorrow.

I have to try and let go of the pain. Most importantly, I have to try and not feel guilty about doing that.

Where I am right now?  The best way to describe it is... the black thick fog that surrounded my spirit and my brain, now has little holes that are piercing through it and providing light and glimpses of hope.


Much love, Valerie