I wrote this blog in an attempt to capture the moments and experiences I went through in losing my children. I was also trying to release some of my pain and yes, alot of anger.
Going back through those moments and writing down every detail I could remember, made me vividly relive each of those moments and cry again the same tears I cried then. I did share my memories... but it also put me in a very depressed state, and for days on end, like I was going through it all over again.
I've realized so much about who I am today, where I am today and when I lost myself. I've had to step away from my blog and take a break from the sadness and memories and bring myself back to the life I have now and the kids waiting for me to be mom again.
I need to be happy again. I need to live again. I want to laugh and garden and enjoy flowers and sunshine but most of all... the four beautiful and perfect children that are here with me now. I want to enjoy being me again.
I am making an attempt to take a step away from the grief. By no means does that imply that I am forgetting Christian or baby Grace or that I am over their losses. That, for a parent who has lost a child, is never possible. I will forever be saddened and will always miss and ache for them.
I have taken a step off of the broken and depressed path, and instead will walk parallel on the one that God provides, with His love, comfort and promises that I'll hold my babies again and will never ever again have to say good bye. My babies are safe and in a place that holds no danger or sorrow.
I have to try and let go of the pain. Most importantly, I have to try and not feel guilty about doing that.
Where I am right now? The best way to describe it is... the black thick fog that surrounded my spirit and my brain, now has little holes that are piercing through it and providing light and glimpses of hope.
Much love, Valerie
So happy you are feeling better. I know what you mean about taking a break from grief.
ReplyDeleteCan you find it in your heart to be in my life again. I had something happen to me and I nearly died two weeks ago. I have so many happy things to share with you. Annastasia and Michael,I am happy to share photos with you! Tammie is legally in our home and we are working thru the hard tines with her. Being sick showed me how important my children are that are on earth with me and I do not plan on any more than I have now. I am so happy with my life and miss just saying hi to you.
ReplyDeleteOur friendship was sweet and I miss it.
I told Jennifer Id love to donate to the rummage sale as I think it is a beautiful idea. Little did I know it was something you planned. That is just you, someone always thinking of someone else.
: )