Alone in the storm....

My path.

I am lost.... somewhere in the middle of a storm. Just like this picture. My path just leads deeper into the storm. The storm is dark and lonely and filled with depression, stress, anxiety, strangers, numbness.... I am standing in the middle of this storm with empty arms, tears and heartache from missing two children, and also watching my living son struggle with depression and anger from his life battle with a rare disease. I am missing the opportunity of knowing my daughter Grace and my son Christian. I need to cuddle and kiss them. The love and ache for them has no where to touch ground and it builds up in me without an outlet. When you touch and kiss your children, your love reaches to them like a lightening bolt, it is a release of that incredible emotion you feel for them. I constantly touch my kids. Just a slight touch on the shoulder as I walk by is a connection with them, a confirmation that they are here, breathing, alive and my hand releases my love to them.

That touch for Christian and Grace is void. It has nothing to touch ground on. Instead that energy bounces around in my heart and soul and is breaking me apart. It suffocates me and makes each breath an effort and chore.

As I stand in this storm, I wonder when it will end. Will I stand here now for the rest of my life? Is this it for me? Each time I think I'm strong enough to take a step forward out, it also takes a step and follows me.

The storm feeds on me. Consuming my spirit, desire for life, happiness, my enjoyment for simple things that once brought me joy.... just to live life and feel free and happy. It has robbed me. Stolen my personality and character. My smile. My joy. My ability to function and share with others.

I look in the mirror and do not know this person any longer who looks back at me.

I also have lost my faith for God. I am desperate to get it back but I don't even know where to begin.

I will write more about my faith at another time. My children are ready for breakfast and to start school.