Dear blog-

I'm having another extremely bad day today. Maybe because my birthday is tomorrow.... Maybe because Grace's birthday just passed and Christian's is this Thursday... Maybe it's because it's just how my life is now.

My birthday's are no longer a time of celebration and fun. I do not look forward to them as they are surrounded within days of the losses of my two babies.

I have a son who is suffering from a rare liver disease. Losing my babies was indescribable. Then finding out my son was so deathly ill and everything that we've, especially this poor child has gone through over the past year, is up on that same level.  I worry about him everyday. I carry a burden of losing another child EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My little girl has a small rash and my other son fell and has some small issues.  These, are normally not a big deal, however... one of the wonderful side effects of losing a child is that you become completely paranoid about your other children.
It has stripped my life away from any type of normalcy. So a little rash right now elevates my emotions to fear. I'm shaking and so frustrated again that I cannot enjoy a sunny day.

I am so full of anxiety and stress today. I just feel like screaming "HEAVENLY FATHER.... WHY CAN'T THINGS BE NORMAL FOR A LITTLE WHILE! HAVEN'T I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?"

I am not the same person I used to be. I cannot function. I have to pretend too, but I don't. I don't follow through on anything. I miss birthdays, don't celebrate holidays, didn't do anything for my kids for Valentines. It's little things I can't seem to accomplish... it's overwhelming. People don't understand, that haven't lost a child anyway. I am not social... I've pushed my friends away, it's hard to pretend to be happy. I can't be away from my kids so I don't go anywhere unless they go with me.

So yes, today is another one of those days. I'm angry and I'm venting. I need to, to try and release some of the emotion and anxiety.  I'm sad and heartbroken and frustrated and angry and anxious and depressed and walking around the house knowing I should be baking or crafting with my daughter and having fun... but once again, I can't, instead I'm walking around like a zombie completely emotionless, trying to get my brain to shut off. I'm shutting the world out, shutting my spirit off and not letting anything in... because again today, if I hear one more negative thing, I'll be on the verge of losing it.

For those of you who think that a person who's lost a child suffers for a little while and then "gets over it" or that "time makes it easier"... Your life moves on.... ours doesn't, it never does. We are permanately stuck in that second that our child soared to heaven.

The ache never ever gets easier or better, the core of our spirit has been ripped from our body and we never find the peace we once had, the vessel for storing peace and pure joy no longer exists. We suffer every single day... each morning when my eyes open I am instantly sick, lost and know I have another day to struggle through.

Thanks for listening blog. I have no one else to talk to.