October 31st, 2007

It was very hard to go to sleep the night before. We were so excited for the ultrasound!!!! To take a peek at our new baby (aka sister) and to confirm what we already knew.... the gender of our baby.

We arrived at my Midwife's office... myself and my children, Emma, Drew and Josh. My husband was working, but anxiously awaiting the phone call after.

I layed on the bed with all 3 kids around me and we all stared at the images of our new baby on the monitor. Inga pointed out the heartbeat, arms, legs, head, rump, etc. and then asked if we wanted to know the gender. Yes!! We wanted to know! Baby was in a funny position, so Inga worked a bit to move baby around and get the right image.

It was a GIRL! Emma and I screamed "It's a girl!!" "You have a baby sister Emma", I said with tears in my eyes. 

And in as little as 5 minutes after complete joy, I could see confusion in Inga's face. My heart knew something was wrong. I asked her if "something was wrong". She sat for a minute looking at the monitor and asked me "what exactly was wrong with your son Christian?".

My heart started to race... I couldn't talk, suddenly my mouth went dry, my head started to spin.....

She said "there isn't amniotic fluid and I don't see the normal images". She was not a medical technician. She had the ultrasound machine to do basic measurements and gender information.

I was looking at the screen and I did see something I thought was odd, but figured it must be normal or she would say something. I finally had the courage to ask what that huge mass was and why it had all the marble looking things in it.

She said that that's what she was concerned about. It was our daughter's kidney. Not only was it 3 times larger than it should have been but was also filled entirely with cysts. She also said that she couldn't find the other kidney.

Our tears of joy were gone. As I cried I looked at my boys. I know they didn't know exactly what this meant but they knew something was wrong.  Emma didn't really understand. She was still up on cloud 9 thinking about her little sister.

I tried to call Andy, but I couldn't talk. Inga took the phone and explained to him what was going on.

I sat in shock, knowing what I was facing, again. My head was filled with questions... how could I lose another child, how could I get through that pain again, how.... I didn't want to experience that again. I didn't want to watch another baby pass away in my arms. I didn't want to say goodbye to another child, nor go on without her. I didn't want to miss out on seeing Emma with her sister. I didn't want to go..... back...... "there".