Busyness

Synonyms: busy, industrious, diligent, assiduous, sedulous
These adjectives suggest active or sustained effort to accomplish something.

Its been a spell since I've logged into my Potter blog. I think I hit bottom, crashed. I knew I was depressed and had no motivation for anything. I could not function nor follow through on anything. The simple task of returning a phone call, or paying a bill was HUGE to me and became a burden that was always "easier to take care of tomorrow". Tomorrow was always the same story. I never sent out birthday cards or gifts. I don't even know why... I just couldn't do it. My head from the deaths of my children had shut down and offered my body no function ability.

Our credit score suffered. "Why didn't you pay the bill?" I don't know. When I thought about "having" to do something, my soul sank, head shut off and I moved on to something else. Depression? I guess... I wasn't like that before the deaths.

I started a little side business with a friend of mine. We both share a love for vintage/antiques and I've discovered that I LOVE painting and distressing furniture. It has always been a dream of mine to open an antique and vintage store. We started a facebook page to sell our items and repurposed furniture and its been alot of fun.

I dove into this little project with full force. I was knocking out furniture at lightening speed and always ready to take on the next project. I have more furniture piled in storage than I have time for.  There has been no downtime for me, just go go go and get the next piece started. I work from 7am until sometimes midnight...

I logged into this Potter blog today because I've learned of someone who lost a child. It made me think of some friends I have, who have also lost children and I wanted to pop in to their blogs and read how they were doing. I had stepped away from everything... even conversing with those friends who had lost babies. I even "unjoined" Potters Syndrome groups.

As I was writing to this friend, something snapped and made me realize something huge about myself. I had consumed myself in "Busyness - sustained effort to accomplish something".  I was actually accomplishing something. I was finding unwanted pieces of furniture, transforming its appearance with some paint and sanding and then selling it. Completing something, following through.

And that is where I buried my life. I could shut out the world, pain, grieving, depression, etc. and was satisfied with the completion of a task.  I found peace in that. I guess its part of my healing process.

I've also started running, eating healthier and working out with weights. When I run, my mind feels healthy. I feel like I will puke, but it feels good. Being depressed is sad. I gave up on myself and in the unhappiness, I also felt very ugly and didn't care anymore.

I'm feeling a little better these days. Definately still have my bad days. But having alot more good days.