Busyness

Synonyms: busy, industrious, diligent, assiduous, sedulous
These adjectives suggest active or sustained effort to accomplish something.

Its been a spell since I've logged into my Potter blog. I think I hit bottom, crashed. I knew I was depressed and had no motivation for anything. I could not function nor follow through on anything. The simple task of returning a phone call, or paying a bill was HUGE to me and became a burden that was always "easier to take care of tomorrow". Tomorrow was always the same story. I never sent out birthday cards or gifts. I don't even know why... I just couldn't do it. My head from the deaths of my children had shut down and offered my body no function ability.

Our credit score suffered. "Why didn't you pay the bill?" I don't know. When I thought about "having" to do something, my soul sank, head shut off and I moved on to something else. Depression? I guess... I wasn't like that before the deaths.

I started a little side business with a friend of mine. We both share a love for vintage/antiques and I've discovered that I LOVE painting and distressing furniture. It has always been a dream of mine to open an antique and vintage store. We started a facebook page to sell our items and repurposed furniture and its been alot of fun.

I dove into this little project with full force. I was knocking out furniture at lightening speed and always ready to take on the next project. I have more furniture piled in storage than I have time for.  There has been no downtime for me, just go go go and get the next piece started. I work from 7am until sometimes midnight...

I logged into this Potter blog today because I've learned of someone who lost a child. It made me think of some friends I have, who have also lost children and I wanted to pop in to their blogs and read how they were doing. I had stepped away from everything... even conversing with those friends who had lost babies. I even "unjoined" Potters Syndrome groups.

As I was writing to this friend, something snapped and made me realize something huge about myself. I had consumed myself in "Busyness - sustained effort to accomplish something".  I was actually accomplishing something. I was finding unwanted pieces of furniture, transforming its appearance with some paint and sanding and then selling it. Completing something, following through.

And that is where I buried my life. I could shut out the world, pain, grieving, depression, etc. and was satisfied with the completion of a task.  I found peace in that. I guess its part of my healing process.

I've also started running, eating healthier and working out with weights. When I run, my mind feels healthy. I feel like I will puke, but it feels good. Being depressed is sad. I gave up on myself and in the unhappiness, I also felt very ugly and didn't care anymore.

I'm feeling a little better these days. Definately still have my bad days. But having alot more good days.

Grace celebrated her 4th birthday with Jesus and we celebrated her life here at home

Its hard to believe that my little girl turned 4 ~Four~ Four years of many missed events, triumphs, milestones, smiles, boo boos, drawings, giggles and playtime with her big sister Emma. I wonder what her sweet voice sounds like. Are her eyes blue like mine or brown like her brothers and sisters. Is her hair curly like mine and her brothers or straight like Emma's. I miss the chubby thighs, dressing her up in all the cute dresses and outfits I saved for her, the leather 50's jacket her big brother Drew found, and the tiny tiny converse shoes.

Four love filled balloons gently floating up to heaven to join in her birthday celebration today...

I miss you pumpkin.... someday we will celebrate your birthday together.

All my love...

My gift to Grace and Christian

Today, I finally did something I've wanted to for a very long time. I had my two angels names applied permanently to my skin. I have for many years wanted to tattoo their names "somewhere".  Some places I considered were around my wrist like a bracelet or on my inner wrists with wings... I met with my tattoo artist and threw some ideas around with him and when he showed me these angel wings I knew thats exactly what I wanted.

I did this today for them. My memorial for my little babies I miss so incredibly much. Grace's birthday just passed a few days ago and Christian's is coming up next week. This is my birthday present to them.

It still needs some touch-up work. After 3 hours of pain I was done and couldn't take anymore. I am happy with it and it makes me feel good to show the world that my two little ones WERE here for a brief moment and rocked my world.