Being numb

I will say that time does..... numb. Does it heal, as the saying goes? I say no. You never heal.

Who i am today

It's been a few years since I've written in my blog. I'm feeling like it's time to start that process again because in a sense it's therapeutic and healing. I can honestly say that losing my two children has affected the woman and mother I am today. 

I still feel broken and lost.

I still panic and worry for my adult children. 

I signed up for counseling and had my first session today. I decided that I am going to write about how the deaths have changed the person I was into the overwhelmed anxious and depressed person I am.... still today.

I think that writing about your emotions definitely helps to get them out of your spirit. And I want to talk about how the counseling is going. 

So hello again blogging world... 

Divorce

I haven't posted for some time. Much has happened and I'm just now settling in to my new life. I'm going through a divorce. Have moved out in to my own place and finally finding peace. The divorce has been a long one coming. I knew years ago that my marriage was over. Differences between us were just to much.  I am happy, working full time and enjoying this stress free life. But most of all... finding me again. Just wanted to give an update and start an introduction of where my path has led.

Unspoken Words

Ok.... It is due time. Fifteen years is long enough. I need to vent. I have held on to these feelings for far too long. For the sake of not upsetting "his" family... I've kept these extreme feelings of anger, resentment and major disappointment tucked away. So as part of new steps I am taking for my new life and to start to heal and release this bottled up anger, here goes....

When I went in to labor with Christian, every single person, family and friend to us, knew he would die shortly after birth.

Who showed up to witness his birth and hold him during his death and even hold his cold body after death? MY family. MY mom, MY sister and MY father. They dropped everything and ran to the hospital knowing his life would be short and the window to meet him, hold his sweet body, see his sweet face, look into his beautiful and piercing eyes, kiss his sweet cheeks, and to touch his sweet hair would be once in his lifetime. The window was short. Christian was a GRANDchild, a brother, a nephew, a cousin and my son. He was here, he did live and he impacted my life, and those who held him, in an incredible way. You could not help but to fall deeply in love with this sweet baby boy with very curious eyes.

Almost as deeply painful as losing him is the fact that Andy's family made no attempt whatsoever to meet their new family member, grandchild, nephew, cousin. NOT ONE of them made any attempt to come to the hospital to see his birth and death. Keep in mind, it was only about a 15 minute drive and CHRISTIAN WAS ALIVE AND ALERT FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS!

When we so painfully left my beautiful son in the hospital morgue.... and had to go home empty handed, we told all of his family that they could go down to the hospital and still have a chance to hold him, cold or not, and to meet him before he was transferred to the funeral home. He would be there several more days. The only response given was "No way, I can't handle that".

REALLY!!!!???? And it wasn't hard for us??? WE were blessed with the gift to see and hold this sweet angel alive before he left this earth. HE WAS NOT STILLBORN, HE LIVED. YOU MISSED OUT!!! Every single one of you. And to be honest.... you had NO FRICKEN right to grieve his death because you didn't take the time and walked away from the only opportunity to be of part of his life.

I am NOT done. This will be continued... because years later, we lost our daughter, baby Grace.

So from the bottom of my heart. I thank my mother and my sister for being there every second of my son's life. And to my daddy in Heaven. Thank you for being there for Christian's birthday, for holding him and for being there for ME. I know you are holding both of my angels now.

Valerie~

PS: This post is not intended to disrespect or to hurt those involved. However, I was extremely hurt by your actions, and quite frankly, so was Andy.... he just never wanted to "cause waves".  In order for me to release these feelings I've carried towards you for such a long time and be able to free my spirit, ... I need to voice them.  I feel sorry for you, it truly is your loss.

Busyness

Synonyms: busy, industrious, diligent, assiduous, sedulous
These adjectives suggest active or sustained effort to accomplish something.

Its been a spell since I've logged into my Potter blog. I think I hit bottom, crashed. I knew I was depressed and had no motivation for anything. I could not function nor follow through on anything. The simple task of returning a phone call, or paying a bill was HUGE to me and became a burden that was always "easier to take care of tomorrow". Tomorrow was always the same story. I never sent out birthday cards or gifts. I don't even know why... I just couldn't do it. My head from the deaths of my children had shut down and offered my body no function ability.

Our credit score suffered. "Why didn't you pay the bill?" I don't know. When I thought about "having" to do something, my soul sank, head shut off and I moved on to something else. Depression? I guess... I wasn't like that before the deaths.

I started a little side business with a friend of mine. We both share a love for vintage/antiques and I've discovered that I LOVE painting and distressing furniture. It has always been a dream of mine to open an antique and vintage store. We started a facebook page to sell our items and repurposed furniture and its been alot of fun.

I dove into this little project with full force. I was knocking out furniture at lightening speed and always ready to take on the next project. I have more furniture piled in storage than I have time for.  There has been no downtime for me, just go go go and get the next piece started. I work from 7am until sometimes midnight...

I logged into this Potter blog today because I've learned of someone who lost a child. It made me think of some friends I have, who have also lost children and I wanted to pop in to their blogs and read how they were doing. I had stepped away from everything... even conversing with those friends who had lost babies. I even "unjoined" Potters Syndrome groups.

As I was writing to this friend, something snapped and made me realize something huge about myself. I had consumed myself in "Busyness - sustained effort to accomplish something".  I was actually accomplishing something. I was finding unwanted pieces of furniture, transforming its appearance with some paint and sanding and then selling it. Completing something, following through.

And that is where I buried my life. I could shut out the world, pain, grieving, depression, etc. and was satisfied with the completion of a task.  I found peace in that. I guess its part of my healing process.

I've also started running, eating healthier and working out with weights. When I run, my mind feels healthy. I feel like I will puke, but it feels good. Being depressed is sad. I gave up on myself and in the unhappiness, I also felt very ugly and didn't care anymore.

I'm feeling a little better these days. Definately still have my bad days. But having alot more good days.

Grace celebrated her 4th birthday with Jesus and we celebrated her life here at home

Its hard to believe that my little girl turned 4 ~Four~ Four years of many missed events, triumphs, milestones, smiles, boo boos, drawings, giggles and playtime with her big sister Emma. I wonder what her sweet voice sounds like. Are her eyes blue like mine or brown like her brothers and sisters. Is her hair curly like mine and her brothers or straight like Emma's. I miss the chubby thighs, dressing her up in all the cute dresses and outfits I saved for her, the leather 50's jacket her big brother Drew found, and the tiny tiny converse shoes.

Four love filled balloons gently floating up to heaven to join in her birthday celebration today...

I miss you pumpkin.... someday we will celebrate your birthday together.

All my love...

My gift to Grace and Christian

Today, I finally did something I've wanted to for a very long time. I had my two angels names applied permanently to my skin. I have for many years wanted to tattoo their names "somewhere".  Some places I considered were around my wrist like a bracelet or on my inner wrists with wings... I met with my tattoo artist and threw some ideas around with him and when he showed me these angel wings I knew thats exactly what I wanted.

I did this today for them. My memorial for my little babies I miss so incredibly much. Grace's birthday just passed a few days ago and Christian's is coming up next week. This is my birthday present to them.

It still needs some touch-up work. After 3 hours of pain I was done and couldn't take anymore. I am happy with it and it makes me feel good to show the world that my two little ones WERE here for a brief moment and rocked my world.