Crash

Some construction in the house has caused layers of dust upon everything. As I dusted the fireplace mantle, I saw that my babies' urns were also very dusty and dirty. I took them into the kitchen to clean them with soap/water and a toothbrush. Upon turning Grace's urn over, I came across a label I was not prepared for.

I get through each day the best I can. Trying to cover the pain and anger that sits in my spirit and on my surface. Some days are better than others and are filled with joy and laughter... that source come from my kids. They are my only reason to keep breathing...

So you get through those other days, somehow, protected. Until something happens... something that "crashes" through your protective wall and barrier that protects your heart.  That "crash" hit me tonight as I cleaned the urns. Carefully as I turned Grace over to wash her urn, that label was in my face. I was unprepared for the pain it would bring. Like losing her all over again.

I fell apart. Right there at the kitchen sink. I held my two babies and ached terribly for them. It hurts very much. That familiar ache like no other, the pain, the not understanding why, or His plan... once again and I just want more than anything for them to be here, in my life but NOT in these resin urns.

Christian Daniel

Grace

October 15

Christian Daniel

Baby Grace

Today, as you well know, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  A day the world unites and lights a candle in memory of our babies we are grieving for. 

I will be burning two candles all day for my Christian and Grace. I will also be lighting a few special candles for my webfriends I have met who have also lost their babies.

I'm thinking of each of you.... (hugs)

The definition

fluke

n

1. an accidental stroke of luck

2. any chance happening

 

 

To be continued...

Still feeling his presence...

Today is Wednesday. The day after I saw my son. Yesterday, and still this morning, the energy I felt when I saw his face is still with me. I've spent the last 24 hours wondering why he visited me. Did he just want to see me too? Was he curious? Does God allow our families to look down and peek at us sometimes? Was he trying to tell me something?

I called a new church Tuesday morning. Even though I am still struggling with God, faith, and turn off at the thought of praying or even discussing the bible. I am looking for a new church for my family. I am going to talk to a Pastor and ask for help.

Perhaps, Christian just wanted to tell me that I made the right decision and he (and Grace) are there waiting for me. If I walk away, we won't see each other again.

I still see your face.....

Your big brother wishes I could draw it so he could see you too.....

You are missed....

Christian

I was sleeping early this morning. In my dream, I woke up and walked out of my room. A young boy was standing in my living room. At first glance, I thought it was my son Josh... but within seconds I realized it wasn't. I stared at this young boy's face. Questioning in my head who he was, yet knowing in my heart and spirit exactly who he was. I haven't seen his face since he was just one and a half hours old ~ 13 years ago. But I still recognized him. It was Christian.

I was overwhelmed with a feeling of familiarity. I didn't know this child, but my heart did. I knew he belonged to me. Every detail of his face was alive and real.

I have longed to know what he would look like today. Did he take after his big brother Drew or Josh... mom's side or dad's?  Now I know, he looks just like Josh.  Shorter with lighter hair.

It was a miracle.

I know this visit was more than a dream. Seeing his face jolted my spirit. The colors were so vivid and bright, not foggy like a dream. His face is imprinted in my brain, not like a dream where its hard to remember details. The peace I feel this morning is unlike any feeling of peace I have ever felt before.

Christian, thank you for your short visit. I am so in awe to finally see your face. You are beautiful.

I love and miss you muchly.

When our Angels touch us

I had wrote on the Potter's Syndrome facebook page about my experience with with the glowing angel wings on Grace's windchimes. At one point, not to long ago, there was a discussion about receiving those "signs" and what mom's thought about them. So I shared mine.

A mommy responded to my post and said that she believed in angel signs and shared a few of her experiences with me. They are so amazing and beautiful, and the first one made me smile. I asked if I could share them. Here they are.

"I do... My son passed away nine years ago and there were many of times he made himself known. Here is one story that blew my mind away.

My daughter which was four at the time was playing with her play cell phone. I heard her talking in her room, so I walked in there and I asked her who she was talking to and she said Timothy (that is my son who passed) and I didnt think anything about it because she would talk to him all the time. About five minutes later she comes running out of her room and she was so mad she started yelling at me. I asked her what was wrong..and she goes "mom, why did you lie to me?" and I was like about what??? She goes "you told me that my cat went to raise a family that is why we dont have him anymore." (her cat died a year before that) she then goes to me...timothy just told me on the phone that he is in heaven with him. I had no idea what to say to her, i just sat there with my mouth wide open. Then I told my husband to get that phone and star 67 that number and tell his son to quit telling on mommy. But it blew me away.

Then about a year after that my husband was in a bad car accident and he wasn't wearing his seat belt, he should not be here. He said when his work truck was flying through the air ( he fell asleep at the wheel and hit an approach and flew 70 feet into the woods) he said he looked over in the other seat and seen our son sitting there and he was smiling. So my husband knew that he was going to be ok. All he got was a cat scratch on his head. The cops said that there is no way he should of walked out of there alive. The only thing left of his truck was the wheels, that was it. So, I really do believe they come in and check on us. They know how much we miss them. They will always be with us every step of the way until we have them in our arms again ♥"

Tara, your experiences are so touching.  It is comforting to know that our babies are near us. I hope this gives comfort to other moms who are also grieving their child. Thank you again for letting me share your words.

Signs

My last post, about my faith or lack of, was a difficult one to release. To admit to the world that I had a cold heart towards my God.  I do not hate Him, nor do I blame Him for the deaths of my babies. I have not stepped away completely. His fire in my heart is still there, but I am disappointed. I believed and trusted in the promise HE left us in His Word. I feel cheated and let down. I need to find a way to trust Him again. But I am not ready to take that first step yet. I do know that God knows my heart and the suffering I am struggling with. He knows I am not perfect. I am a just a mom, deeply mourning the presence of two lives in mine and doing so with a severely broken heart.  

The day I “blogged” about this, was part of two bad days I was having. If you've lost a child then you know what those days are. I was sad and angry and non-functioning and broken, but most of all empty.

I wrote the post in the evening. After school with the kids, dinner was over and everyone was off doing there own things and settling down for the night. I broke down and cried uncontrollably with each word I typed. It was very difficult to relive those moments, especially with Emma crying for Grace.  I was numb and again angry at God and missing Grace, but greatly missing the person and presence she would have in my life today.

Shortly after her death, I went to the Bible Book Store. I was looking for something, something comforting, maybe a book about how to deal with this grief.  I found an Angel Wind Chime and bought in Grace’s memory.  I hung it inside the house in front of my patio slider doors. Each time the breeze came through, or someone walked by them the chimes would make beautiful sounds. I always think of Grace with the little sounds from the chimes. They are Grace’s chimes.

It was late and time for bed. Emma came running in with arms up after brushing her teeth. I had just turned the computer off and scooped Miss Emma up. I carried her into the dining room to turn the last light off in the house. As the house turned completely dark, something glowing appeared near the patio door that I’ve never seen before. I stood staring at it and within moments realized that the wings on Grace’s chimes were glowing. Yes, like glow-in-the-dark paint. I stood staring at them, absorbing these perfect set of glowing wings in the middle of the darkness. Emma saw them too, and said “mommy, I didn’t know those glowed”.  I felt a rush of electricity flow through the core of my spirit. I walked up to the chimes and just stared at them glowing. I knew. I knew this was something. Something far beyond here, something spiritual was reaching out to me through an object that was very dear to me.

I have had these wind chimes for three years. I have stood in my dining room to shut the last light off for three years. I have never seen those wings glow before. I didn’t even know they had the ability to glow. One could say it was coincidence. But I know what I felt, and nothing worldly could create that stir in my spirit that I experienced when I saw it.

Is it God? Is He reaching out to me? Confirming His presence and love for me. Maybe it was Grace, letting me know in her sweet little way that she and her big brother Christian are ok.

With much love, Valerie