Happy Birthday Baby Grace

Grace  February 27, 2008

I haven't reached the time yet in my blog of losing our baby Grace, but today is her birthday. Three years ago today, she entered our lives crying. The most beautiful cry I will ever hear and will never forget.

These days are sad. All the days grieving her are hard, but their birthdays are the moments I really miss. The celebration of their lives, a milestone shared with friends and family, birthday cakes and decorations, chocolate covered faces, etc. Each moment and memory we cannot have with her.

I think about what she would look like right now and all of the "firsts" I didn't get to see, her first smile, giggle, attempt to crawl, her first steps, her first 1/2 a year birthday cake I buy all my kids.

We will celebrate her life today. She was here and even though it was for a short time, she lived and we loved her and created memories. I will get to see her again, not now on this earth but I will spend eternity with her.

We have a birthday cake for her and always buy balloons to write our love notes on to release off into the heavens....

Happy Birthday to you my baby Grace, my Glory Baby. I miss you so much and ache for you daily.

Feeling Death

When one is bereaved, one feels out of touch with the mainstream, different, unable to connect.

One feels stigmatized, deprived and angry for being selected to suffer.

-Joan Hagen Arnold and

Penelope Buschman Gemma

October 31st, 2007

It was very hard to go to sleep the night before. We were so excited for the ultrasound!!!! To take a peek at our new baby (aka sister) and to confirm what we already knew.... the gender of our baby.

We arrived at my Midwife's office... myself and my children, Emma, Drew and Josh. My husband was working, but anxiously awaiting the phone call after.

I layed on the bed with all 3 kids around me and we all stared at the images of our new baby on the monitor. Inga pointed out the heartbeat, arms, legs, head, rump, etc. and then asked if we wanted to know the gender. Yes!! We wanted to know! Baby was in a funny position, so Inga worked a bit to move baby around and get the right image.

It was a GIRL! Emma and I screamed "It's a girl!!" "You have a baby sister Emma", I said with tears in my eyes. 

And in as little as 5 minutes after complete joy, I could see confusion in Inga's face. My heart knew something was wrong. I asked her if "something was wrong". She sat for a minute looking at the monitor and asked me "what exactly was wrong with your son Christian?".

My heart started to race... I couldn't talk, suddenly my mouth went dry, my head started to spin.....

She said "there isn't amniotic fluid and I don't see the normal images". She was not a medical technician. She had the ultrasound machine to do basic measurements and gender information.

I was looking at the screen and I did see something I thought was odd, but figured it must be normal or she would say something. I finally had the courage to ask what that huge mass was and why it had all the marble looking things in it.

She said that that's what she was concerned about. It was our daughter's kidney. Not only was it 3 times larger than it should have been but was also filled entirely with cysts. She also said that she couldn't find the other kidney.

Our tears of joy were gone. As I cried I looked at my boys. I know they didn't know exactly what this meant but they knew something was wrong.  Emma didn't really understand. She was still up on cloud 9 thinking about her little sister.

I tried to call Andy, but I couldn't talk. Inga took the phone and explained to him what was going on.

I sat in shock, knowing what I was facing, again. My head was filled with questions... how could I lose another child, how could I get through that pain again, how.... I didn't want to experience that again. I didn't want to watch another baby pass away in my arms. I didn't want to say goodbye to another child, nor go on without her. I didn't want to miss out on seeing Emma with her sister. I didn't want to go..... back...... "there".

My 6th baby...

My darling Emma was 4 years old when I found out I was pregnant. We weren't planning on having another baby, but here I was expecting again. My kids were happy to add another sibling to the bunch and my daughter Emma was beyond thrilled about having a baby sister to play and grow up with.

The time waiting for the first ultrasound was filled with many belly kisses. Emma talked to her sister, via my growing belly, about all the fun they would have together, sharing her toys with her, teaching her to dance, being in a "girls-only" club, etc. Never did a night go by without Emma hugging her baby sister and whispering "I love you's, goodnight and I can't wait to see you".

I remember several times, Emma slipping under the covers to have a "private conversation" with my belly, "sister's only", she would say. I couldn't wait to see them together. I was more excited about that than anything.

I was very excited for Emma and the idea of her having a baby to nurture and a sister to bond with. My two boys are two years apart, they grew up as best friends and at ages 14 and 16, still are. 

She loves her baby dolls. She cares and loves them as much as a mommy does her own child. When we would see a baby out in public, church or even on tv, she would just melt.

We were awaiting the ultrasound. The thought or worry of another Potter Baby didn't even enter my mind. Everything was so perfect, and the doctor did say "It was a fluke and would never happen again".